Wondering what happened

Wondering what happened
February 28, 2018 T

Here I am, halfway through the first month of 2018… maybe it’s time to start thinking about what I really want to do this year.

Well, that’s how this post started… in the middle of last month! We are now at the end of the second month of this no longer “new” year… and I still haven’t got a clue!  Well, that’s not exactly true.  I’ve had all of these other things consuming every iota of energy, drive, or focus that I’ve been able to muster together.  Or should I say, “I’ve let” …?  Which is really the truth.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but I must start somewhere.

So often it seems to be easier to “take care of”, “help out”, “just this one thing first”, or “it’ll only taken a minute” with everyone else’s stuff… you know, to clear the decks so I’ll have an uninterrupted block of time for me, or the things I need, have, want to do for [fill in the blank] me. But the blocks of time rarely happen, and even less rarely are they uninterrupted.  And another month (and a half!!) goes by.

Why is this? How is it that everyone and everything else seems to be more important than I am? How do I get that priority booking? From others? Or hell, even from myself…? Why does it seem that I only get that level of care and concern for my wants and needs when I am absolutely alone and it is provided by me?

I don’t want to sounds like I am whining here. These are real questions that I have… and, as of yet, without real answers. I can’t stand the idea that this is a “woman’s role plight.”  Or that the only way I can have a nurtured, fulfilling life where I matter is if no one else is in it. (Full disclosure: That is the premise I have run on for the majority of my life and it is only in the last 10 or so that I’ve tried valiantly to create something else.) And I am a woman that has no children, (I’ve been told that the two cats and two large dogs do not count…) I have a sort of/sometimes live-in bf (??!!) and have worked from home for the majority of the last few years (when not laid-off as I currently am).  I have so much more freedom of movement and flexibility than most of the other women I know… married, children, career, extended family needing assistance, and all the fun that goes with trying to balance this equation.  My question is… HOW?  How do you do it? Does it always mean, (or have to mean) putting yourself last? Assuming you make it onto the list at all?

I really would love to hear from you, because for me, right now, this seems like such an either/or thing. But I am trying to be the change I want to see.


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