I guess it’s about time to comment on my absence. Why I’ve been M.I.A. and what’s been going on during this time.
In all the transparency and vulnerability I can muster, I have spent the last many months in that landscape that is so completely and painfully illustrated by the image above. Perhaps you know that land? That place where the internal and the external pieces of you are not lining up, are not communicating, seem to be at odds with everything in your world… where that soft, sensitive, scared, loving core of you is locked up with seemingly no way out. Only made worse by staring into the eyes of another that is going through the exact same thing and the gulf between just keeps getting wider, and the walls taller, the barbs thrown bigger, the cuts deeper… with absolutely no way to reach each other.
Then the change is forced upon you. And you fight to stop it, you fight to break through all the things holding you back, you fight against the pain to find your way through and back to the other… to no avail. And you are left with the tangled knots of thoughts, feelings, beliefs, questions, doubts, wonderings, and somehow even more pain, to sort through. To try to make sense of it all. To try to understand what has happened. To try to figure out your part. To try to grow. To try to heal. All while trying to deal with day-to-day living pieces that have not been working quite right for months either…
So, you stop. You just stop. Stop fighting to breathe, stop fighting the waves of emotions you are drowning in, stop hoping, praying, thinking, wishing that it would be different, stop “trying” anything, anywhere, or in any way… And you wait.
You wait to sink to the bottom, you wait for it to all go dark, you wait for it to fill your lungs, your mouth, your head, your eyes, your being, you wait for it to take you completely, you wait for it to all be over…
But it’s not. You are stronger than that. Even when you don’t want to be. You want life and growth more than that. Even when you think that you don’t. You want to be free of all of those things that block you from the life and the love that you are, that you have, that you give, and that you want to share. Even when you have absolutely no idea how. And it’s not over.
In spite of how it feels… it is just another beginning.
And so you begin again…
