So, it has been beyond “awhile.” Too much has been happening, now it’s time to catch up… both with you, and with myself… and with all the changes that have occurred or are in the process of occurring. The only question left is, where to start?
As I mentioned in the last post, there has been a great deal of people clearing themselves out of my life recently. Not by them choosing to bail or walk away, but by acting in such a way that I could just no longer hold space for them in my life. So, they are gone. The really fun part of that is how much room that freed up to be filled with wonderful people that live more in line with how I try to live. You know, with a sense of lightness and humor, really trying to care and be present for other people… showing up and being really genuine, even when (and especially when) its hard to. And these aren’t just new people that I’m meeting. There’s now room and space to get closer and deepen relationships with some of the people that I already know.
Another interesting change that I’ve had to work through embracing is asking for help, and more importantly letting people actually help me. I’ve written before about the power of vulnerability, and this is truly a new facet of this that I’m having to get comfortable with. And truth be told… it’s one of the harder ones for me. The family I came from met a request for help with a litany of reasons why that meant I was weak, or simply didn’t deserve any help. It was a guaranteed opening to be criticized and put down. Ironically, none of that seemed to apply to the rest of the family, only me. Although, that didn’t really play out as straight forward as it would’ve seemed. Everyone else could ask for (demand) help, and get it. (Or else.) But all the stories or recollections later would be how they did it all on their own. Needless to say, this one has taken more than a long time to unwind for me. And recent events have required me to get “over the hump” as it were. I simply have had no choice, there is too much and I can’t do it all on my own. So, I’ve had to ask. After a few misfires of asking the wrong people, (See previous paragraph and post,) I’ve developed a better circle of people and a better radar for those who will help… out of genuine care and concern, not “what’s in it for them” or only if convenient.
I’ve also had a huge shift in being able to just follow life from the heart, rather than trying to “figure it out” or “make things happen.” It’s been happening more and more in recent years, but I really wasn’t sure that it could be trusted (or that I could do it) through such monumental amounts of change, unknowns, and uncertainties. But I am here to report that with only a couple of momentary (less than a day) exceptions, I have not had to sit in my head or watch my brain spin trying to force answers to the “what about…”s and “what if’s” that seem to be running through everyone else’s heads. (I say that because even as I have updated people on where I was in the process and what I was leaving alone, they just couldn’t stop themselves from asking all those questions… no matter how many times I would say “I don’t know yet” and “I don’t need to know yet.” Not knowing definitely made them very uncomfortable… which I really do understand.) I was there for so long… asking questions, trying to figure things out, make contingency plans, create some form of security… that just doesn’t seem to be where my security is coming from anymore… and that feels like true freedom to me.
One by one, I’ve also been having to face some of my own self-created limitations and doubts. For example, buying a house. (Which yes, I’ve ended up having to do in all of this.) The trip out that included looking at 12 houses in a single day, I observed me doubting that I could do it, that I could buy a house, or knew enough to pick a good one… and on it went. But I already own a house! I have since 2003!! This realization required that I stop a minute and look at where this was coming from, or what the differences seemed to be. After a thorough questioning of myself, I discovered that somewhere in the recesses of my thought process I believed it to be different because I was doing it alone. Last time, my soon-to-be, and now ex, husband were buying a house together. But the truth is, I did all the paperwork, talking to the realtor, the mortgage broker, the banks, etc… my significant other went along to look at houses, and demanded a pool, but that was really about it. So why exactly did that leave me doubting myself? Well, it also turns out that I believed I could successfully do all of those things because I was doing it for “us.” And although I didn’t realize it, I wasn’t sure if I could step up and do all of that for just me. HUH???!!! WTF????!!! Needless to say, when I found that rattling around in the old noggin, I promptly kicked it to the curb! And just FYI, I found a pretty good, practical, and decent investment of a house just fine, thanks.
The latest shift and realizations, (there have been and will continue to be plenty of others… but I’m not trying to write a book just now!) have come on this last, short, but fun, and eye-opening trip. You see, there was this guy… or well, guys actually. I obviously caught his attention. But the really interesting thing is that for the first time… in a very long time, he caught my attention too. And more importantly, so did many men around Seattle. I don’t know if it was because the sun was out, or spring was in the air, or because they weren’t all bundled up in hats, scarves, and parkas… but there were (dare I say are?) a bunch of hot men in Seattle! All of this comes as such a surprise to me because for most of the last two-plus years, I haven’t had much interest in men altogether. The last “relationship” was such a train wreck on so many levels, and so utterly disappointing, that I just flat out wasn’t interested any more… there wasn’t anything left there that a man could offer me. To be clear, this wasn’t a case of hurt, angry, or bitter. Just simply so much more work and effort than it was worth… ALL of it. Just so much easier, and happier to be alone. (Not to mention, any of the passing flirtations I’d run into during that time just cemented the deal!) Ah, but not this week. Now, nothing happened with any of the men that caught my eye… in fact, most of them probably never even knew. But the one I had to interact with regularly turned out to be an interesting, funny guy… with a girlfriend. Still, he was warm and open, wanting to welcome me to town and be a friend… and I figure that there is a good chance that his gf is the same way… and now I’ll have two of these “people on my wavelength” as I move to town… so that’s a win! And the piqued interest? Well, it’s just a nice reminder that I’m not dead yet, hope springs eternal, and there are still so many possibilities out before me.
In other words… much more to come!!
Please share your realizations in changing and life and noticing things from a completely different perspective…