The Disappearing Path

The Disappearing Path
November 22, 2018 T

So, it’s been a while… Not that I haven’t thought about writing often, (almost every day in fact.) But what I want or need to write about has seemed to change faster than I can even get it down on this electronic “paper.”  “Why is that?” you might ask… well, as you might guess, I’m in transition. Change is upon me, but one like I have never known. I have pretty much dedicated the last 30 years of my life to evolving, changing, growing, and seeing who I can become or who I am meant to be. These are roads I know well. Processes that I have long learned to ride like a beautiful wave off a secluded beach somewhere in Hawaii or Mexico. Ah, but none of that is what has been happening lately.

If you’ve been reading here for a little while you might remember that I’ve had some amazing opportunities present themselves… you know, life-changing kinds of stuff. Everything flowing along, firing on all cylinders, thinking “oh, so this is why all that other stuff happened, to lead me here, it all makes sense now.” This is the jumping off point, the place where everything changes on a dime, that mile-marker or point in time that becomes my personal “before-and-after,” my B.C. – A.D., if you will. And during all of this, I am preparing myself.  I am reading the break, watching it start to curl, paddling to be in just the right spot when it does, reveling in the excitement, rush, and joy of it all… getting ready for the ride of my life! Then it happens…

That one single, simple, tiny, little thought… that seemingly frivolous question… “Is this really what I want?” And poof! Just like the wave that runs all the way to the shore without ever quite breaking… it is gone. The desire, the drive, the anticipation, the perfectly lined out opportunity… just dissolves.

Is it disappointing as it happens? Yes. But only momentarily. Does it make me stop and think? Of course. But I haven’t gotten to spend much time doing that before the next one appears… only to start the whole thing over again. It has happened enough times recently, in short order, for me to finally gain some idea of what’s going on.

When I am completely immersed in the possibilities of life so many things are drawn to me.  Being that life, and this world, is pretty darn amazing, most of those things look fantastic! And don’t get me wrong… they are! Which is why I entertain them and start to follow where they lead. While in the midst of all of this entertainment, I can see how my life and love will be. The new gig, with all of the ways it will challenge me and stretch my thinking and my capabilities. The new locations (for those requiring it,) with all the new sights, sounds, people to meet, places to see, with everything fresh and new… to me. Obviously, the list goes on and on.  All the potentials and ideas and changes… my blood flows, my passions rise, and I am in it, I am alive, fully engaged, open, and aware. But then… that moment. WTF is that all about?

At that moment I am coming back to me.  I become centered and grounded again.  I used to think it was crashing back to earth after all the wax on my wings had melted from flying to close to the sun.  But I recently came to understand that it is something else entirely.  Something less raw, less devastating, less about personal worthiness or ability.

Be careful what you wish for… you just might get it.  I have learned how true this axiom is the hard way in my lifetime.  So many times, I’ve had the grace of my dreams coming true… and sometimes they turned out to be nightmares. Or they lead me away from what was most precious in my life. Or turned out to be nothing more than a diversion or a distraction from where I really should have been going. To be clear, I have learned so much from every single dream or train wreck, and I wouldn’t give a single one of them back. But I have found my true north star and I intend to follow it now.

No, I do not have a clear idea of what that exactly means.  I am only following my intuition.  That still small voice (well, maybe not so small anymore) inside of me.  That is where the question, that moment of clarity is coming from.  I can chase all the butterflies and the fireflies I want to, but at some point, I remember where I am going and get to pause to ask “is this part of my path, or something else?” So far, the answers have been “no, I don’t feel like this is where I need to be living”, “an old-school thinking company is not what I need to pretend to fit-in to”, “selling myself short on salary or job roles is not going to be comfortable for me” “giving up on my desire for a true partner to settle for a ‘friend with benefits’ would take more from me than it would ever give.”

So, for now, I am present in this moment. I am open to all of the possibilities and I am overjoyed and grateful for the ones that find their way to me.  But for the first time I am keenly aware that I do not have to accept, participate in, or follow everything that is offered to me.  I am beyond fortunate for the chance to learn this lesson. Oddly, it hasn’t been difficult or even painful in any way.  But it has been perplexing.  Thankfully, I love a good mystery.

This is only a single facet of the metamorphosis that I have been growing through in recent months… but it is a pretty significant one.  My hope and my plan are to share the others and possibly how they fit together (?) in the days to come. (Truthfully, I will try to share that, but being as I really don’t have a clear idea myself yet… it may be a little while!)  But I will share the pieces, and of course, the journey to wherever it is I am going and however I am going to get there.

I’d love to hear from you. Have you had these kinds of experiences? Have you come to any conclusions about them? Do you have any thoughts, ideas, hopes, or dreams you’d like to share?


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