The “welcome” distraction that was Hurricane Harvey was over. The days of giving help to others began to dwindle down from a full-time endeavor. Life was returning to normal (whatever that was.) And suddenly I found myself feeling like a ton of bricks had been dropped on me. All the things I’d been dealing with before the storm were back. All the feelings, the thoughts, the realizations, the need for change, the ideas… all of it. The wave broke and I was not in a position to surf it, so I got worked.
But I’ve been through this before… fortunately/unfortunately. Once I was able to break for the surface and grab a lung-full of fresh air, I realized what was happening and I knew what to do. Instead of fighting the overwhelm of all of it, I relaxed and let it wash over me… feeling every feeling, crying if I needed to, screaming if that felt right, going for a long swim if I needed to create space in my body and my brain… in short, I quit struggling. After a couple of days (that seemed more like a couple of weeks) everything was calmer. Not solved, but calmer… which soon gave way to clarity… which gave way to action and movement.
No, I do not have all the answers… mine or anyone else’s. But from this place of clarity I can see the next step in the path that I need to take. Sometimes on a daily, sometimes on an hourly, basis. For now, that seems to be a rotation of writing, a daily swim, taking care of the multitude of small broken things/projects that accumulate around a house, playing with the dogs, having authentic conversations and contacts with people, getting rid of stuff (physical, mental, and emotional) that no longer serves me, being creative, curious, and most of all open.
In my experience, this last one can sometimes be the biggest challenge for me. I have ideas about where I’m going, how things should work out, or what needs to happen and when. That’s when I screw everything up! Because, also from experience, I’ve noticed that the biggest changes, opportunities, progress, ideas, or growth come from places that I never saw coming or could’ve ever dreamed up! All I can do is make room for the process to happen to me… I am never in control of it, but I always think for some reason that I have to or need to. Why? I have absolutely no idea.